Our First Year

Tonight at 12:37 my very first baby turns 1. I think I am still a little bit in denial, because I honestly don't even know how we got here so quickly. When I think back on all the things we have experienced this year, it does seem like maybe it's time, but to think I've only known her for 12 months, seems impossible. I understand now why Mamas refer to their babies as 12 months, or 18 months, or 22 months for as long as they can, because truly every month something changes. 

It feels similar to the week leading up to your wedding, where you are busily getting things ready, and if you stop to think about what you are actually getting ready for, you can't even believe that it's going to happen? At the same time my brain keeps recalling exactly what I was doing in the days leading up to Everette's birth, and I had no idea we were so close to meeting her. 

The past 12 months have been the most exciting, exhausting, precious and humbling of my life. We have both grown together and learned so much. That sweet baby has changed my body, my hair, my brain, my life, but most of all my heart. Before she arrived I wondered so much what she would look like, what would her temperament be like, what would her little voice sound like? It's still absolutely incredible to me that those long legs that I kiss a million times a day, were the ones kicking me on the inside, and every time I hear her get the hiccups, I can almost feel it again from her being in the womb. 

I would love to know how many hours I have spent nursing, especially in odd places. The car, the beach, Starbucks parking lots along I-40, tucked away in guest bedrooms during holidays. How many miles have we rocked in that glider in the middle of the night, and early in the morning, and in the afternoon? How many times have I gone to bed wondering if I am getting this right, or reading about the next developmental leap, or what to worry about next. How many hours of sleep have I not gotten over the past 12 months? Research says parents lose the equivalent of 44 days in the first year of a newborns life. I believe it. 

But, no amount of research could tell me what it was going to feel like the first time I saw her. The first time she was laid on my chest and we locked eyes. What it would be like to bring her home from the hospital, or listen to her cry for what felt like forever sometimes, or the way she could instantly fall asleep if I laid her on my chest. I'm fairly convinced that your newborn sleeping on your chest is one of the best feelings on this side of heaven. 

We have celebrated every season and holiday, the very first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines, Easter, and 4th of July. We introduced family members, first foods, baby sign language and have been on all sorts of adventures. We've created and changed feeding and sleeping schedules and when she says Ma-Ma I think I can physically feel my heart growing larger. 

And so it's birthday time. It's almost time for a new season, both figuratively and literally. In just a couple of weeks it will be fall again and I will have a one year old, but until then I will bask her babyness a little longer, and try to mentally record all the things I never want to forget. The way the inside of her neck smells, and the way her hair is wet from it resting on me at night when I lay her in her crib. The way her babbles wakes us in the morning and how she claps her little hands almost all the time. How she loves to wave at strangers in the store, and repeats bye-bye the whole way home. I want to take pictures of all of these things in my mind, because I know long after this season has come and gone, I'll look back on it fully aware that these were some of the very best days of my life. 

So tonight I'll stay up until 12:37 and remember how one year ago my entire life was changed, and I may even go get her out of her crib and rock her. I'll probably cry when we sing Happy Birthday to her and after the party is over, I'll enjoy my slice of cake with a glass of champagne to celebrate, because becoming a Mommy was and is the single best gift that I will never take for granted. 

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