I have gone back and forth on whether or not to share, and yet I feel like it keeps resurfacing as something that I feel called to do. If my vulnerability even helps one other family, then it was worth pushing past our comfort zone. I like to keep the internet light and happy, but I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the power it has to connect us during times of struggle.
I believe when the Lord answers our prayers, we should give him the glory. That's exactly what this is. Our story of love, and loss, answered prayers, and hope, for you and for me.
At the end of last year, we felt like it was time to expand our family. Our daughter had recently turned two, and we thought her becoming a big sister around age three felt like the right age gap for us. We were extremely blessed to become pregnant with our daughter right away, and so I assumed it would be the same way again, and I was right. As soon as we were ready, we were pregnant yet again.
This being our second time around, I knew what the signs were, and so I had a hunch. I actually found out on my 29th birthday. We were of course thrilled, and decided we would keep it quiet for a few weeks, at least until our first appointment.
A couple of weeks later, I had decided with this news it was a good time to start potty training our daughter. During that first day, she and I spent almost all of our time playing in the playroom and running back and forth to the restroom. That afternoon, I immediately knew something was not right. I tried to rest during her nap time, but after a couple of phone calls to my doctors office, ended up headed to emergency room on a cold, rainy, Friday night.
We spent the next few hours in the hospital that night, trying to be positive, especially because the medical providers were and assured us that everything was probably fine, but I knew things were dim. Having already been through pregnancy and labor, I knew something was wrong.
Plenty of tests and hours of waiting later, it was confirmed, we had lost that pregnancy. It was early, no further procedures were needed, but it was heartbreaking.
In the 3 seconds that it took for me to see that positive line on that first test, I put this little person into our lives. I immediately started planning for us to be a family of four. I knew what the due date would be. I imagined getting to tell our daughter what a wonderful big sister she would be, and ordered the outfit to surprise her with. I started dreaming of playdates and all the friends I know who would have babies the same age.
Our toddler was asleep in her crib when we got home late that night, and I went in her room, and rocked her and just cried for a long time. My husband took the box with the big sister shirt off the porch, as it arrived that day, and put it away for awhile.
Over the weekend, I wanted to keep things as normal as possible for her, and for me. We went on with our scheduled plans, simply because I wanted things to feel normal, to be normal, even though everything was far from it. At first, I think I was a little bit numb to the pain. Even while we awaited the news in the hospital, I was trying to proceed with business as usual. Reaching out to new Sunday school class members, and finalizing shower details for a friend, that I was helping host the next morning.
The beauty of having a toddler is that even if you want to stay in bed all day, you can't. You have to get up and keep it moving, and so we did. The next several weeks were really tough, with follow up blood work and appointments, very different than the ones I had originally scheduled.
Just like with so many other women, 1 in 4 in fact, there was no cause for the loss. In the words of my kind doctor, "it's often the business of babies, and happens so much more often than we even realize." There was no cause or concern for the future.
I tried to focus all of my energy into the child right in front of me. The child I could hold, love, teach and care for. Everette has been a blessing in my life everyday since we first found out she was on the way, but none more so than during that time. A few weeks later Covid took over and the entire world changed, seemingly overnight.
Even with everything going on, we couldn't wait to grow our family. This time a little more cautiously optimistic over the next couple months, and the emotional rollercoaster that comes along potential pregnancy after loss. Wondering if this was it again, hoping, praying. One time knowing for certain it was, only to very surprisingly find out a few days later, it was not.
A few weeks went by and I had that hunch again. I worked up the courage to take a test, well before it was time, and sure enough those bright bold lines popped up immediately. We went in for an early ultrasound at the 6 week mark, so grateful my husband was permitted to come, with the pandemic still on high alert.
The considerate tech was sure to explain to us, not to worry, but that we most likely would not see or hear a heartbeat that early. I was so anxious I could barely lay still on the table, eyes closed, silently praying. My heart was beating out of my chest, but within seconds of her turning on the machine, she said "Wow, yep there's your baby". I just started sobbing. The Lord's presence and peace washed over me in that moment, and could take a deep breath.
For the first time in months, I felt like we were entering a new season of hope, and literally new life. Even though it was still early, so many prayers had been answered. I felt an immediate purpose for this child's story and life.
In the middle of our journey, I found much healing, and hope in talking with other women who had also experienced this same loss. It's a club that no one wants to be a part of, but you don't realize how many members it has. One of those things that happens to other people, until it happens to you. Something so common, but not something that easily comes up in conversation.
At the time, someone who had also been through this same experience, reminded me that there was still so much hope. I found myself searching for stories like mine that had a happy ending, and I felt a connection to other women who were brave enough to very publicly share their story. Women like Carrie Underwood, Dylan Dreyer, Beyonce, Hillary Scott, Jenna Bush Hager, and Chrissy Teigen.
This year has been heavy for everyone, but especially so if you have been going through something personally. With the holidays here, I feel more blessed and grateful than ever before, but I'm also painfully aware that there are so many around us fighting private battles that we know nothing about.
If you are in the midst of something you never expected yourself to be challenged with, know that you are loved, and thought of, and prayed for. It is my prayer, that in someway this might allow someone to feel less alone in what they are experiencing during this time of brave faces and virtual everything.
Our story is ultimately one of God's goodness. How he creates, and cares for us, from the very beginning. An opportunity to draw nearer to him like never before. To place all of our dreams, and hopes and trust in him, who knows us so much better than we know ourselves.
There is still so much hope. One of my favorite songs, especially now, is The Blessing by Kari Jobe.
"May the Lord bless you and keep you, make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord turn his face toward to you, and give you peace
May his favor be upon you, and a thousand generations, your family, your children, and their children. May his presence go before you, and behind you, and beside you, all around you, and within you.
He is with you. In the morning, in the evening, in your coming, and your going. In your weeping, and rejoicing, He is for you."
He is for you. So am I. Sending you so much hope!
MB
Thank you for sharing, friend. I have enjoyed our talks of motherhood, a journey into pregnancy, and even the hart talks - like heartache - in this season in our life. You and your sweet family are a blessing in my life. Love you!
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