Today's post is one I've been simmering on for quite awhile. Knowing it resonated with me, and I think will with others, but also trying to hone in exactly what I wanted to share. It's been almost a year exactly since we experienced our very early miscarriage. A time that painfully stretched me, and will now always be a small part of our story.
That being said, I am painfully aware of so many others experiencing that same type of grief right now. 1 in 2 unknown pregnancies, and 1 in 4 known pregnancies. A fact I never knew. Or maybe it's the quiet hoping to become pregnant, facing fertility issues that 1 in 6 couples do. While this has never been something that challenged us, I sure know more than 1 in 6.
Maybe your sister, a girlfriend or a co worker. It's certainly not something that casually comes up in conversation, but if you know, then what? What do you say or do? You want to say and do something, but you don't want to say the wrong thing...
Our loss was early, well before anyone knew we were expecting again, and so for the most part we chose to keep it pretty private. My brother and sister in law were just a couple months away from having their first baby, and we didn't want to diminish their joy in anyway, and we assumed we would be pregnant again soon, and thankfully we were.
I didn't know what to expect, or what I needed during that time, but a few of my very close mama friends did know, and they didn't wait for me to tell them what I needed. They dropped off a beautiful bouquet and card on my porch the next day. Later came a big tub of cookie dough and netflix recommendations. Jumbo ice cream sandwiches. They followed up about lab results and doctors appointments. They listened, and prayed, and encouraged.
A couple of girlfriends and I had a mom's night away planned for a couple of weeks later, and I honestly didn't feel up to it, but with my husbands encouragement, I went and it was the best possible thing I could have done for myself. A night away to recharge and refresh, and just start feeling like myself again with the help of sweet sweet friends.
A friend of mine gifted this book to me shortly after our loss, and I found comfort in the stories that these women so bravely shared, because the power truly lies within us when we decide to lean into our vulnerabilities and share those with someone else.
I think my biggest takeaway is, just do something. Say something. However small it may be, it will be the right thing. Before our experience, I don't know what I would have said, but since then, I've been blessed to support other friends during their own personal heartbreaks or struggles. You never know the encouragement that can be given just be saying "I'm going to sit in this with you."
Inevitably, during this season of life as women, it's all around us. Pregnancy, births, babies, toddlers, miscarriage, trying, and infertility. Announcing our pregnancies as friends are still hoping for theirs. I won't pretend to know what fertility struggles are like. It would be easy to disconnect from friends in a different season than ourselves, in order to protect our hearts, or to avoid any uncomfortable feelings but there is no power in that, and as women we are given the opportunity to love each other really beautifully, even in hard things, especially through hard things.
Shortly after our miscarriage, a dear friend announced her second pregnancy to our group of girlfriends. Before she did, she reached out to me earlier in the day, and told me first. Something she did not have to do at all, but she knew it was still tender, and she gave me the gift of hearing it from her, with time to process before being with the group.
A gift that I will never forget or take for granted, and a lesson to myself moving forward. A beautiful way to move through these moments together. I could not have been more thrilled for her precious family, and my pain did not diminish her joy, nor her joy, diminish my pain.
On the flip side of that equation, I had the chance to share our exciting news with a friend this summer who I knew had been actively trying to get pregnant for the last few months. It was made all the more special when she got to return the happy news by the end of the same week.
What a gift we have been given as women to share our lives and friendships with each other, through exciting times and through bare and desperate seasons. To pray for each other, and to stand in the gap and hold each other up through all of life's up's and downs.
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